Sister Jack
Usuário
Pessoal, postei aqui o Book 1 da minha obra do SDA "Tarantinizado", divirtam-se. Tem algumas mudanças no livro inteiro então eu aconselho a ler tudo de novo(não é tão grande assim).
Deriel, eu postei aqui pq o povo tava reclamando de ter q ficar procurando pelo tópico inteiro as partes do livro.
PS: Valeu, Dr. Manhattan. Usei a parte que vc escreveu no meu roteiro.
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Written by Folco Gamgee.
BOOK 1
Sitting under a tree, reading a book, is Frodo Baggins. He hears a voice singing a song. It s an old man s voice. Frodo puts the book down and looks to the road. He sees Gandalf, The Grey on his chariot. A smile opens on his face.
FRODO: Gandalf, you son of a bitch!
Gandalf looks at Frodo and also opens a smile.
GANDALF: Come here, you little bastard!
Frodo runs to the road and jumps on the chariot, then, hugs Gandalf.
FRODO: What are you doing here, Gandalf?
GANDALF: What the fuck do you think I m doing here? I m visiting Bilbo!
FRODO: Why?
GANDALF: It s not your fucking business!
Frodo looks at Gandalf s face and notices the pipe.
FRODO: What are you smoking?
GANDALF: Weed.
FRODO: Is it the good kind?
GANDALF: What?
FRODO: Is it good?
GANDALF: Boy, this is guaranteed to jack you up!
FRODO: Our weed is good too.
GANDALF: Yeah, right! I d rather smoke a monkey than smoke that piece of shit!
FRODO: Are you selling it?
GANDALF: Are you fucking crazy? I brought this from Mirkwood! It s too strong for you anyway.
Te chariot passes by a group of kids. The kids start running after the chariot on the road.
KIDS: Gandalf, fireworks!!!! Gandalf! Gandalf!! Fireworks!! Fireworks!!!
Gandalf continues to look straight and the kids stop running. They all look sad.
GANDALF: Do you want fire works? I ll give you some freaking fireworks!
Gandalf takes a Machine Gun from his coat, aims to the sky and shoots!
TATATATTATATATATATTA!!!!
They kids all scream and run away crying.
Frodo is laughing.
FRODO: Gandalf, it was good to see ya.
Frodo jumps of the chariot.
Gandalf arrives at Bag End, Bilbo Baggins house.
He jumps of the chariot and knocks on the door.
Bilbo screams from inside the house.
BILBO: What the fuck do you want, you pieces of shit!!! I don t want anybody here.
GANDALF: Not even an old sexual partner?
Bilbo opens the door and sees Gandalf. He jumps and hugs Gandalf.
BILBO: Gandalf, come in!
They both enter Bilbo s house.
When Bilbo closes the door, Gandalf takes a Beretta and points at Bilbo s head.
Bilbo looks at Gandalf, scared.
BILBO: Gandalf, what are you doing?
Gandalf takes of his mask and Bilbo sees that it s not Gandalf, but Saruman!
SARUMAN: Gandalf my ass! Give me the freaking ring!
BILBO: Saruman!!!!
The REAL Gandalf kicks the door open, with a shotgun on his hand.
GANDALF: Get yout hands of him, you bitch!
SARUMAN: Frankly, my dear... I don t give a fuck.
Saruman shoots Gandalf three times in the chest with the Beretta. Gandalf shoots Saruman with the shotgun, Saruman dodges the bullets and escapes from Bilbo s house.
Saruman jumps on his horse and runs away.
Gandalf falls on the floor, hurt. Blood is coming out of the bullet holes.
BILBO: Don t worry, I ll take care of you Gandalf!
Moments later, Gandalf is at Bilbo s bed, and Bilbo is plucking out the bullets from the wizard s body, and sewing the holes.
GANDALF: AAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
BILBO: Don t be such a wuss!
GANDALF: Hey, shut your pie hole, or I ll turn you into a fucking toaaaAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
BILBO: Great! Now, there s blood all over my carpet!!!!!
GANDALF: Stop whining and finish sewing this bruises.
BILBO: Bruises?!? You look like a fucking sieve!!!!
GANDALF: OUCH!! That hurts! That hurts!
BILBO: If you could just hold still for A FUCKING SECOND!!!
GANDALF: I need my weed to relax...
BILBO: Don t worry, later I ll make you relax. I l take care of your tomatoes and your banana, if you know what I mean.
Gandalf opens a smile.
It s night and we are at Bilbo s party! Lots of hobbits dancing, drinking, eating! Everyone is happy!
Sam is behind a house, in the middle of the woods, having sex with Rosie!
Frodo is sitting in a table, smoking weed.
Bilbo is telling a story for a group of kids.
BILBO: So, there was I, with a troll trying to kill me! I take my sword and stick it up the troll s ass!
The kids laugh!
Merry and Pippin are lighting up a dynamite inside a house.
MERRY: Where s the lighter?
PIPPIN: Lighter? We are 7000 years before the lighter is even invented!
Merry sees a candle.
MERRY: Get the candle.
Pippin gets the candle and lights up the dynamite.
PIPPIN: Ok, now what?
MERRY: Run!
They get out of the house.
The house explodes!
Everybody in the party claps and smile!
MERRY: Let s do it again!
Gandalf gets comes up and slaps Pippin s face.
GANDALF: You little dirty motherfuckers!
Bilbo stands up on top of a table.
BILBO: Everybody!!! Please, look here! Speach!!
Everybody at the party looks at him, quiet.
BILBO: Well, I wanna thank all of you! Such wonderfull bunch of assholes! The Blowjobers, Assfuckers, Baggins, Tuks, Brandybucks, Pussylovers! All of you! Although I don t like half aswell as you deserve and half of you I like half as much as I would like to deserve aswell as like, but like half of you half aswel as you would like me to deserve all of you!
Everybody look at each other. Nobody understood what Bilbo just said.
BILBO: The truth is... Well, I hate all of you! Goodbye, motherfuckers, you can stick the whole Bag End up your asses!
Bilbo puts on the ring and becomes invisible. Everybody is shocked!
We are now inside Bilbo s house. The door opens slowly and then closes. We suddenly see Bilbo appearing out of nowhere. He took the ring of his finger. Bilbo hears a voice.
GANDALF: Come here, in the bedroom.
Bilbo enters the bedroom and sees Gandalf in his bed.
GANDALF: I was waiting for you!
BILBO: Not now, Gandy. Not now.
GANDALF: What s the problem?
BILBO: I got to get the fuck out here before anyone sees me!
GANDALF: Not even a blow...
BILBO: No!
GANDALF: Alright, do what you want! But are you sure you are going to take the ring? You saw what Saruman did! He might find you, kill your motherfucking ass and take the ring. What is this ring, anyway?
BILBO: I don t know.
GANDALF: Are you sure?
BILBO: Yes I am, Gandalf. I ll leave it to Frodo anyway.
GANDALF: The ring?
BILBO: No, my ass!!!! Of course it s the ring.!
GANDALF: You know Frodo is still in his adolescence. He might use the ring for masturbation, since he can t get any sex in the Shire.
BILBO: Don t worry about Frodo, the goats take care of his sexual desire.
GANDALF: Ok. Do what you want!
BILBO: Goodbye, Gandalf!
GANDALF: Goodbye, you little bastard!
Bilbo starts walking to the door.
GANDALF: Bilbo, aren t you forgetting something?
BILBO: What?
Gandalf gets a dildo from under Bilbo s bed.
BILBO: Oh, yeah! I almost forgot!
GANDALF: Remember, Bilbo. Safe sex!
BILBO: Alright, I ll leave the ring on the table.
GANDALF: Alright, get the hell out of here already! Your starting to piss me of!!!!!
Bilbo runs out of his house and closes the door.
GANDALF: I wonder if I ll ever see that little ass again...
Gandalf walks out the door and jumps on his horse. He sees Frodo coming.
FRODO: Gandalf, where the hell are you going?
GANDLF: I m going, but I ll be back, soon. Ah, and Bilbo left you a little present on the table.
Frodo runs inside the house, looks at the table and sees the ring.
FRODO: Yesssssss!!!!!!!!!!
Frodo puts on the ring and becomes invisible. He s in the Shadow world now, but he can see almost perfectly everything.
He gets out of the house and runs down the road to Sam s house.
He enters Sam s garden and looks inside the house to see Sam and Rosie having sex.
FRODO: I should have gotten popcorn!!!
Rosie starts spanking Sam in the ass. Sam is screaming. Frodo lowers his pants and starts to masturbate.
FRODO: Oh, boy! Spank him! Spank him!
While Frodo is masturbating, the ring slips off his finger and he doesn t notice. He continues to masturbate, but now visible.
Sam and Rosie look at him, surprised. Frodo sees that Sam and Rosie are looking at him!
Frodo pulls his pants up, gets the ring and runs away.
WEEKS LATER
Frodo is at his house, sitting in the couch drinking beer with Pippin. He s telling Pip a story.
FRODO: So the guy gives me three kilos of we...
PIPPIN: Kilos? What the fuck are talking about? What are you, Miami Vice?
FRODO: We deal in kilos.
PIPPIN: That s fucking stupid.
FRODO: I know. Then, I get the weed and the guy tells me that he s going to his house to get a briefcase. He goes there, comes back with a fucking huge 38, points at my forehead and says: "You made a deal with the wrong fucking person!".
PIPPIN: Hahahahahahhaha!!
FRODO: And the guy had a german accent, so I say to him: "Hey, Nazi, put the fucking gun down cause there are two snipers aiming at your head. If you don t wanna die, you better put the gun down.".
PIPPIN: The guy bought that?
FRODO: Yeah!
PIPPIN: Haahhaahahahhaha! Man, that s stupid!
The door opens and Gandalf enters Frodo s house.
FRODO: Gandalf!
GANDALF: Peregrin, get the hell out of here, I have to talk to Frodo.
PIPPIN: All right!
Pippin leaves the house and Gandalf sits down on the couch. He looks worried.
GANDALF: You still have the ring, don t you?
FRODO: Yes, it s on my drawer.
Gandalf runs to Frodo s bedroom.
Frodo lights up and starts smoking pipe weed.
Gandalf comes back with the ring on his hand. He throws the ring in the fire, than gets the ring and puts it on the table.
GANDALF: Frodo, come here.
Frodo goes to the table and sits down, still smoking the pipe weed.
GANDALF: This is it! Look at the ring! The inscriptions! Frodo I have to tell you something.
FRODO: Ok.
Frodo is very high already.
GANDALF: One ring to rule them all, One ring to find them, One ring to bring them all and in the darkness, bind them.
FRODO: Your a poet and you don t know it! Hahahahahahahahahahaahhaha!!!
GANDALF: Stop smoking that weed.
FRODO: Ok.
GANDALF: This is Sauron s fucking ring. It was made a long time ago. This ring was being used by Sauron, The Motherfucker, in the Battle of the Last Alliance, when Isildur took it. But the son of a bitch had a weak heart, like all humans. Instead of destroying this ring, ending Sauron s power, he took it with him. Isildur died and the ring was lost for 2500 years in a river. The ring was found by Smeagol. That little sucker also was corrupted by the ring. He took it to a cave and there he started rotting for 500 fucking years. Then, Bilbo found it. Now, it s in your hands. The ring must be destroyed.
FRODO: What?
GANDALF: Sauron is seeking it. Seeking it with all his tought. He s going to find the ring. That s why Saruman wants it!
FRODO: Hum?
GANDALF: Hurry! You have to leave to Bree, now. I can t go with you, I have to talk to someone.
FRODO: Hum?
GANDALF: Wait, i can here someone.
Gandalf turns and sees Saruman spying on the window.
GANDALF: Son of a bitch!!!!!
Gandalf takes his Uzi and shoots at Saruman.
TATATATATATATATATATATTA
GANDALF: Frodo, get down!
FRODO: Hum?
TATATATTATATATATATATATA
Saruman gets his rifle and starts shooting!
POW!POW!POW!POW!POW!
Suddenly, Saruman notices that there is someone behind him.
It s SAM! Sam hits Saruman with the shovel that he s carrying!
Saruman looses his weapon and runs away.
FRODO: Sam?
Gandalf pulls Sam inside the house.
GANDALF: Aren t you the little bastard!
SAM: Well, I do my best!
GANDALF: I think I might have a job for you...
SAM: Sorry, Gandalf. I m not gay.
GANDALF: No! Not that type of job!
THE NEXT DAY
It s morning. Frodo and Sam are walking and walking and walking through plains and valleys and grass and woods.
SAM: So, what are we doing?
FRODO: I don t know. Something about a ring, a... a race car... a bee...
SAM: A bee? Don t you mean Bree?
FRODO: Yes, we must get to Bree.
SAM: Why?
FRODO: How the fuck should I now?
SAM: Well, because you re the fucking Ring Bearer!
FRODO: Let s go to Bree. Ok?
SAM: Ok.
FRODO: And Sam, I m sorry I spyed on you. That thing, you know? You and Rosie...
SAM: No problem.
FRODO: Is she good in bed?
SAM: Rosie? Naaaaa... Average. I had better sex. Boy, I would like to screw an elf. I mean, they have super speed for something, right? Man, an elf in bed has got to be a dream!
FRODO: Well... You will never meet an elf, so forget it.
SAM: Wait.
FRODO: What?
SAM: This is the most far I have been from home.
They stop walking.
FRODO: Look! A car on the background!
SAM: Where?
Sam looks behind and Frodo pulls him.
SAM: Hey!
FRODO: Let s go! We don t have time for this.
SAM: Well, I saved your life, I m coming with you with a ring that has the power to destroy Middle-Earth. You should give me a fucking break!
Frodo and Sam are walking on a huge plain, nothing around them. Suddenly, Merry and Pippin appear out of nowhere.
SAM: Merry? Pippin?
MERRY: What?
FRODO: What the hell are you doing here?
MERRY: We don t know. We had to go with you on this trip with you. It was Tolkien s original plan. But some cheeseball called Peter Jackson didn t want the original way we would meet, as seen in Tolkien s book. So, the fucker comes up with his own way of us to meet. But Folco Gamgee didn t like that way, so the bastard wrote it this way. It was fucking destiny.
FRODO: Ok. We re going to Bree.
PIPPIN: Ok. Let s go!
So, there they were. The four hobbits. Walking their way into a wild trip, where courage and honor are very important.
PIPPIN: I m hungry.
MERRY: No food.
PIPPIN: I m really hungry!
MERRY: Well, you can suck my balls if you want to.
FRODO: We ain t stopping until we get to Bree.
Gandalf travells through many roads with his horse in high speed. He, then, arrives at the Northern Hills, in a small vilage. He stops his horse in front of a dark, dirty bar, full of travellers like himself. As he enters the bar, everybody looks at him.
Gandalf is looking for someone. And he finds the person, Radagast, The Brown. He s a tall, black man with a small afro hair.
Gandalf sits down on Radagast s table.
GANDALF: Radagast!
RADAGAST: Gandalf, my man! Let me buy you a beer, you son of a whore!
GANDALF: There s no time!
RADAGAST: You look worried. What s on your mind? What is it?
GANDALF: What is it? I ll tell you what is it. It s the One fucking ring!
RADAGAST: The One ring?
GANDALF: Yep.
RADAGAST: The word on the street is that the One ring is on a hobbit s hand. A Baggins.
GANDALF: Well, the word on the street is absolutely right. His name is Frodo Baggins.
RADAGAST: Frodo Baggins. He has it?
GANDALF: Yes.
RADAGAST: So, if the ring has been found...
GANDALF: Yes again.
RADAGAST: Sauron, The Motherfucker.
GANDALF: He s searching for it. He s seeking it with all his tought.
RADAGAST: Oh no.
GANDALF: Oh yeah!
Radagast takes a deep breath.
RADAGAST: Where is this Frodo?
The four hobbits are walking at the Old Forest.
PIPPIN: I m hungry.
MERRY: Fuck you.
Back to the bar.
RADAGAST: He is alone?
GANDALF: He s with his friend. Sam.
RADAGAST: Shit. Are you out of your freaking mind?
GANDALF: Don t worry. Those tiny fuckers can take care of themselves. Now, the word on Middle-Earth is that the Nine left Minas Morgul.
RADAGAST: The Nazgul? Oh boy, they re in trouble! Some deep shit. And Saruman, The One of Many Faces, might be looking for it too.
GANDALF: He is. But I m much more worried about Sauron s forces.
RADAGAST: I understand.
GANDALF: Radagast, I need your help.
RADAGAST: Gandalf, you know you can count on me. I aint called Radagast, The Brown because I smell like shit.
GANDALF: So why are you called like that?
RADAGAST: I don t know, but that s not the freaking point! So, what can I do to help you?
THREE DAYS LATER
The four hobbits are on the road to Bree. They are walking in a line, singing.
HOBBITS:
We are hobbits and we are happy,
If you don t like us, you can kiss your own ass.
We are hobbits and we speak the truth.
If you have a problem, you can lick your own ass.
Oooh! I deeeaaiiideeeaaaiiiiieeeyyeee!
Oooh! I deeeaaiiideeeaaaiiiiieeeyyeee!
We are hobbits and we are really small,
If you got some problem, you can fuck your own ass.
We are hobbits and we are smart.
If you re in some trouble, you can torn your own ass.
If you re in some trouble, you can torn your own ass.
You can torn your freaking ass!
Hey!
FRODO:
Crawling in my skin,
This ring, it will not heal.
Fear is how it falls,
Confusing what is real.
ooooooooooooooooooh!
MERRY:
Body movin, body movin,
A One ring and the ring s so soothing
Body movin, body movin,
We be getting down and you know we re crush groovin.
PIPPIN:
Three MC s and one DJ
We be getting rings with no delay
Mix Master Mike what you got to say.
SAM:
Oh, where? Oh, where can my babe be?
The lord took her away from me.
She s to heaven so I got to be good...
FRODO: Wait! Everybody, get of the road! There s something coming!
The four hobbits hide behind a large tree on the side of the road. They hear a horse coming. A big, heavy horse. They are all scared out of their minds.
A Nazgul mounted on his horse aproaches the tree. He smells something.
Pippin farts. The Nazgul hears the sound.
Sam, on a desperate move, takes the One ring of Frodo s pocket and puts it on his finger. The four hobbits see him desapear. Sam is on the Shadow World now, he can perfectly see the Nazgul s real form.
Sam runs to the road, picks up a branch and sticks it up the horse s ass!
The horse goes wild and starts running down the road with the Nazgul trying to stop it.
Sam takes the ring of and becomes visible.
FRODO: Let s go! To Bree! Only one hour away!
The four hobbits run to Bree as the darkness falls on their road.
Gandalf and Radagast are traveling down an empty road in a huge plain, with their horses riding really fast. Suddenly, a tree jumps in the middle of the road.
Gandalf and Radagast stop their horses.
GANDALF: What the fuck is going on?
RADAGAST: What hell? That aint my bitch!
The tree actually is an ent. A female ent. Fimbrethil.
FIMBRETHIL: Hell, I aint your bitch, nigger. And you aint eating my pussy!
RADAGAST: Hell no!
FIMBRETHIL: Mithrandir! What the hell are you doing here, whitey bastard?
GANDALF: Fimbrethil, we have to pass. It s a matter of life or death.
FIMBRETHIL: I would have let you pass, if it wasn t for the Brownie there?
RADAGAST: Did that bitch just call me Brownie? I m gonna brown your ass, bitch. Gonna get medieval on your wooden ass!
FIMBRETHIL: Hell no!
RADAGAST: I aint called Radagast, The Brown because I smell like shit.
FIMBRETHIL: It s because you look like shit!
RADAGAST: Well, you aint Cameron Diaz yourself, you know?
FIMBRETHIL: I might not be Cameron freaking Diaz, but you aint Samuel L Jackson!
RADAGAST: But you would still let me eat your pussy, bitch!
FIMBRETHIL: Your pissing me of, nigger.
RADAGAST: Well, you know what? You aint a piece of cake yourself.
Radagast pulls a machine gun from his coat and shoots Fimbrethil. The ent falls on the ground, dead.
RADAGAST: As I said before, you aint my bitch!
The four hobbits are running down the road. It s a rainy night. They finally see a gate. It s Bree.
The four hobbits approach the gate and knock on it.
An old man opens the door.
OLD MAN: What is it? Four young hobbits?
FRODO: We must get in. We are here to stay at the Prancing Poney!
OLD MAN: Ok, if you must...
The four hobbits enter the village of Bree, they are running down a empty street, until they see a big sign.
SAM: There it s the Prancing Poney.
They enter the house. It s a big place, lots of people, sitting at the bar or at one of the tables.
The four friends sit on one of the tables.
FRODO: Thank Eru, we are here and we are safe.
SAM: Gandalf should be here.
MERRY: Could somebody explain to me what the hell is going on?
PIPPIN: Why did Sam disapear when he put that Ring... Jewel... Thing...
MERRY: And what about those Dark Riders?
PIPPIN: Yeah! Those were some big fucking bastards!
FRODO: Fuck yeah! I don t know who were those, but this in my pocket is the One ring.
PIPPIN: The One ring?
MERRY: The One ring?
FRODO: That s what I said. The One ring. And you, Sam, never put this ring again. You heard what Gandalf said. This ring can atract the forces of evil.
SAM: Yes, Mister Frodo.
Frodo is looking at someone sitting at another table. It s a tall man, dressed in a coat, sitting at the end of the room, looking at the four hobbits.
Frodo calls a waiter.
WAITER: What? What is your name.
FRODO: My name... Bo...
WAITER: Bo?
FRODO: Boo...
WAITER: Boo?
FRODO: Bs. Boobs.
WAITER: Yes, mister Boobs. What do you want?
FRODO: Who is that?
Frodo points at the man.
WAITER: How the fuck should I know?
FRODO: You have no idea?
WAITER: I don t know. Maybe it s Aragorn.
FRODO: Aragorn...
Sam is looking at the other end of the room, where another hobbit, also dressed in a coat, watches them.
SAM: Frodo, it appears we brought some company from the Shire.
Frodo looks at the hobbit sitting on the end of the room. They can t see his face.
MERRY: I m not liking this place.
WAITER: Do you want to order?
FRODO: We want to know if Gandalf is here.
WAITER: Gandalf? That old fag? He hasn t been here for 6 months.
The four hobbits are shocked.
FRODO: Don t worry. He ll come.
PIPPIN: Waiter, bring us another round of beer.
3 HOURS LATER
The four drunken hobbits are all over the bar. They are still drinking, burping, vomiting.
Merry and Pippin are dancing at one side of the bar. Frodo gets up on a table.
FRODO: Everybody. I think I might sing a song.
EVERYBODY: Yes! Sing! Let the Hobbit sing! Yes! A Song! Sing!
FRODO: It s called "I m a hobbit who fucks goats"
EVERYBODY: Yeah!
FRODO:
There was a little hobbit
That lived in the Shire.
Who the fuck he was?
It was my friend McGuiver.
That little bastard
Used to fuck my goats.
I payed a little visit
And fucked his nose.
But McGuiver
Was real strong and faster,
He got into my house alone,
And fuck my little bastards.
I looked up my goats
Real tiny ass.
I saw a large hole,
That was Guiver s dick, I guess.
Since it s large enough,
Maybe it would fit.
I stuck my large penis,
Up the goats fucking ass.
I m a hobbit who fucks goats,
Yeepey Kay Yay I Yo!
I m a hobbit who fucks goats,
Yeepey Kay Yay I Yo!
EVERYBODY: Yeeeeeee!
I m hobbit who fucks goats
Yeepey Kay Yay I Yo!
Frodo is ready to jump of the table when he trips on a hand that was on the table and falls.
The ring falls of his pocket. Frodo falls on the ground and tries to catch the ring.
The ring enters his finger.
He disapears. Everybody is shocked!
Frodo is in the Shadow World. He sees it. THE GREAT EYE. It s coming right at him.
THE GREAT EYE: Give me the ring, little hobbit. You wont resist because I am The Great Eye. I am Sauron, The Motherfucker. I am The Motherfucker!
Frodo takes the ring of his finger. He s back to the Normal World.
Aragorn pulls him to a small room.
Frodo is still a little dizzy. He sees the Aragorn s face.
FRODO: What is your name.
MAN: You can call me Aragorn or...
FRODO: Or?
Strider takes of his mask, to reveal that he is Saruman.
SARUMAN: Or Saruman!
FRODO: Saruman!!!!!
Frodo is in shock.
Someone else enters the room. This time it s the real Aragorn.
The real Aragorn has two 45s pistols in his hand. They are pointed to Saruman s head.
ARAGORN: Hell, I know you are fucking wizard, Saruman, The One of Many Faces, but you know what? I don t fucking care. I have two 45s here and that s all I fucking need!
Saruman turns to Aragorn.
SARUMAN: I am Saruman, head of my order, I am the most powerfull wizard alive.
ARAGORN: I still don t care.
Saruman punches both Aragorn s hands and the guns drop on the floor.
They start fighting. They are both experts in Kung-Fu.
They fight very fast. Punches, Kicks. They dodge, defend.
POW! PA! BANG! BOW!
Saruman quicky punches 10 times Aragorn s face and kicks Aragorn s leg. While Aragorn is falling, the wizard kicks him on the stomach and Aragorn flies against the wall.
Aragorn gets up and Saruman starts kicking him fast. Aragorn doges all of the kicks, holds the wizard leg. Saruman kicks Aragorn s face with the other leg.
Aragorn falls on the ground, bleeding. He rolls to the side and gets his two 45s.
Saruman sees it and jumps out of the bedroom s window before Aragorn can shoot him.
He gets up and puts his weapons back on the holder.
He looks at Frodo and the other hobbits that arrived, they are all surprised.
ARAGORN: My name is Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, Grandson of Arador, Heir of Isildur.
FRODO: Ok.
ARAGORN: I m a friend of Gandalf and I m here to help.
FRODO: Ok.
ARAGORN: C mon. We have to get out of here. The Nazgûl are coming.
PIPPIN: The what?
ARAGORN: The Nine Dark Riders.
PIPPIN: There are Nine of those things? Holy shit!
ARAGORN: C mon! Glorfindel is waiting down there.
HOURS LATER
Aragorn and Glorfindel are riding their horses. Each one carries two hobbits.
Aragorn carries Frodo and Merry and Glorfindel carries Sam and Pippin.
Aragorn and start talking while riding their horses really fast.
ARAGORN: How long until we get to Rivendell?
GLORFINDEL: At this speed? 2 days!
ARAGORN: We have to go faster, non-stop!
GLORFINDEL: I know.
SAM: Oh, my god! You are an elf?
GLORFINDEL: Yes, little hobbit.
SAM: Wow!
The two horses continued to ride at a very high speed trough the hills, plains and valleys of Middle Earth, on the road to Rivendell.
2 DAYS LATER
Gandalf and Radagast are also travelling on Rivendells direction, but on another road. They are very near the Ford that has to be crossed to get to Rivendell.
When they arrive at the Ford, they stop their horses.
GANDALF: Here, we ll wait here to Aragorn.
RADAGAST: I have a bad feeling about this. And you know what happens when a nigger has a bad feeling. Specially this nigger here!
GANDALF: There are two great warriors protecting the hobbits and the ring. I don t think we have to worry about anything.
RADAGAST: Yeah, right. Hahahahhahah! Man, you really don t know much about the Nine, do you?
Aragorn and Glorfindel are almost at the Ford when the Nine Riders start following them.
GLORFINDEL: Fuck!
Glorfindel takes a shotgun out of coat. He loads it and shoot. The Nine Riders are riding really fast and dodging the bullets.
Glorfindel keeps reloading and shooting.
SHICK, SHICK! POW!
SHICK, SHICK! POW!
SHICK, SHICK! POW!
Aragorn takes one of the 45s out of his coat and also starts shooting.
POW! POW! POW! POW!
The hobbits are screaming.
HOBBITS: Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! We re going to die!
The Nine Riders suddenly take rifles out of their coat at the same moment.
They aim and shoot with only one hand.
POOOOW! POOOOW! POOOOW! POOOOW!
One of the bullets hit Frodo in the shoulder.
FRODO: Aaaaaaaaaah! You are dying now, you sick piece of cockstain!
Frodo puts the gun on Aragorn s coat and takes out the other 45 pistol.
Frodo shoots it 15 times on the Dark Rider, that falls dead on his horse, but continues riding.
Gandalf and Radagast are at the other side of the river, waiting for the company. He sees them aproaching.
RADAGAST: See, the Nazgul are coming.
GANDALF: There is only one thing to do.
RADAGAST: I know.
The two wizards lower their heads and start speaking in elvish. They are casting a flood.
Aragorn and Glorfindel s horses are riding at high speed, they pass by the river.
When the Nine come, a flood is created by the two wizards.
The flood comes in the form of a Bus.
It hits the Nine, they all fall in the water and are taken by the rivers stream.
RADAGAST: Hell yeah! No Liv Tylers here!
----------------------------------------
"A vida é uma doença terminal"
(Clube da Insônia)
Deriel, eu postei aqui pq o povo tava reclamando de ter q ficar procurando pelo tópico inteiro as partes do livro.
PS: Valeu, Dr. Manhattan. Usei a parte que vc escreveu no meu roteiro.
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Written by Folco Gamgee.
BOOK 1
Sitting under a tree, reading a book, is Frodo Baggins. He hears a voice singing a song. It s an old man s voice. Frodo puts the book down and looks to the road. He sees Gandalf, The Grey on his chariot. A smile opens on his face.
FRODO: Gandalf, you son of a bitch!
Gandalf looks at Frodo and also opens a smile.
GANDALF: Come here, you little bastard!
Frodo runs to the road and jumps on the chariot, then, hugs Gandalf.
FRODO: What are you doing here, Gandalf?
GANDALF: What the fuck do you think I m doing here? I m visiting Bilbo!
FRODO: Why?
GANDALF: It s not your fucking business!
Frodo looks at Gandalf s face and notices the pipe.
FRODO: What are you smoking?
GANDALF: Weed.
FRODO: Is it the good kind?
GANDALF: What?
FRODO: Is it good?
GANDALF: Boy, this is guaranteed to jack you up!
FRODO: Our weed is good too.
GANDALF: Yeah, right! I d rather smoke a monkey than smoke that piece of shit!
FRODO: Are you selling it?
GANDALF: Are you fucking crazy? I brought this from Mirkwood! It s too strong for you anyway.
Te chariot passes by a group of kids. The kids start running after the chariot on the road.
KIDS: Gandalf, fireworks!!!! Gandalf! Gandalf!! Fireworks!! Fireworks!!!
Gandalf continues to look straight and the kids stop running. They all look sad.
GANDALF: Do you want fire works? I ll give you some freaking fireworks!
Gandalf takes a Machine Gun from his coat, aims to the sky and shoots!
TATATATTATATATATATTA!!!!
They kids all scream and run away crying.
Frodo is laughing.
FRODO: Gandalf, it was good to see ya.
Frodo jumps of the chariot.
Gandalf arrives at Bag End, Bilbo Baggins house.
He jumps of the chariot and knocks on the door.
Bilbo screams from inside the house.
BILBO: What the fuck do you want, you pieces of shit!!! I don t want anybody here.
GANDALF: Not even an old sexual partner?
Bilbo opens the door and sees Gandalf. He jumps and hugs Gandalf.
BILBO: Gandalf, come in!
They both enter Bilbo s house.
When Bilbo closes the door, Gandalf takes a Beretta and points at Bilbo s head.
Bilbo looks at Gandalf, scared.
BILBO: Gandalf, what are you doing?
Gandalf takes of his mask and Bilbo sees that it s not Gandalf, but Saruman!
SARUMAN: Gandalf my ass! Give me the freaking ring!
BILBO: Saruman!!!!
The REAL Gandalf kicks the door open, with a shotgun on his hand.
GANDALF: Get yout hands of him, you bitch!
SARUMAN: Frankly, my dear... I don t give a fuck.
Saruman shoots Gandalf three times in the chest with the Beretta. Gandalf shoots Saruman with the shotgun, Saruman dodges the bullets and escapes from Bilbo s house.
Saruman jumps on his horse and runs away.
Gandalf falls on the floor, hurt. Blood is coming out of the bullet holes.
BILBO: Don t worry, I ll take care of you Gandalf!
Moments later, Gandalf is at Bilbo s bed, and Bilbo is plucking out the bullets from the wizard s body, and sewing the holes.
GANDALF: AAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
BILBO: Don t be such a wuss!
GANDALF: Hey, shut your pie hole, or I ll turn you into a fucking toaaaAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
BILBO: Great! Now, there s blood all over my carpet!!!!!
GANDALF: Stop whining and finish sewing this bruises.
BILBO: Bruises?!? You look like a fucking sieve!!!!
GANDALF: OUCH!! That hurts! That hurts!
BILBO: If you could just hold still for A FUCKING SECOND!!!
GANDALF: I need my weed to relax...
BILBO: Don t worry, later I ll make you relax. I l take care of your tomatoes and your banana, if you know what I mean.
Gandalf opens a smile.
It s night and we are at Bilbo s party! Lots of hobbits dancing, drinking, eating! Everyone is happy!
Sam is behind a house, in the middle of the woods, having sex with Rosie!
Frodo is sitting in a table, smoking weed.
Bilbo is telling a story for a group of kids.
BILBO: So, there was I, with a troll trying to kill me! I take my sword and stick it up the troll s ass!
The kids laugh!
Merry and Pippin are lighting up a dynamite inside a house.
MERRY: Where s the lighter?
PIPPIN: Lighter? We are 7000 years before the lighter is even invented!
Merry sees a candle.
MERRY: Get the candle.
Pippin gets the candle and lights up the dynamite.
PIPPIN: Ok, now what?
MERRY: Run!
They get out of the house.
The house explodes!
Everybody in the party claps and smile!
MERRY: Let s do it again!
Gandalf gets comes up and slaps Pippin s face.
GANDALF: You little dirty motherfuckers!
Bilbo stands up on top of a table.
BILBO: Everybody!!! Please, look here! Speach!!
Everybody at the party looks at him, quiet.
BILBO: Well, I wanna thank all of you! Such wonderfull bunch of assholes! The Blowjobers, Assfuckers, Baggins, Tuks, Brandybucks, Pussylovers! All of you! Although I don t like half aswell as you deserve and half of you I like half as much as I would like to deserve aswell as like, but like half of you half aswel as you would like me to deserve all of you!
Everybody look at each other. Nobody understood what Bilbo just said.
BILBO: The truth is... Well, I hate all of you! Goodbye, motherfuckers, you can stick the whole Bag End up your asses!
Bilbo puts on the ring and becomes invisible. Everybody is shocked!
We are now inside Bilbo s house. The door opens slowly and then closes. We suddenly see Bilbo appearing out of nowhere. He took the ring of his finger. Bilbo hears a voice.
GANDALF: Come here, in the bedroom.
Bilbo enters the bedroom and sees Gandalf in his bed.
GANDALF: I was waiting for you!
BILBO: Not now, Gandy. Not now.
GANDALF: What s the problem?
BILBO: I got to get the fuck out here before anyone sees me!
GANDALF: Not even a blow...
BILBO: No!
GANDALF: Alright, do what you want! But are you sure you are going to take the ring? You saw what Saruman did! He might find you, kill your motherfucking ass and take the ring. What is this ring, anyway?
BILBO: I don t know.
GANDALF: Are you sure?
BILBO: Yes I am, Gandalf. I ll leave it to Frodo anyway.
GANDALF: The ring?
BILBO: No, my ass!!!! Of course it s the ring.!
GANDALF: You know Frodo is still in his adolescence. He might use the ring for masturbation, since he can t get any sex in the Shire.
BILBO: Don t worry about Frodo, the goats take care of his sexual desire.
GANDALF: Ok. Do what you want!
BILBO: Goodbye, Gandalf!
GANDALF: Goodbye, you little bastard!
Bilbo starts walking to the door.
GANDALF: Bilbo, aren t you forgetting something?
BILBO: What?
Gandalf gets a dildo from under Bilbo s bed.
BILBO: Oh, yeah! I almost forgot!
GANDALF: Remember, Bilbo. Safe sex!
BILBO: Alright, I ll leave the ring on the table.
GANDALF: Alright, get the hell out of here already! Your starting to piss me of!!!!!
Bilbo runs out of his house and closes the door.
GANDALF: I wonder if I ll ever see that little ass again...
Gandalf walks out the door and jumps on his horse. He sees Frodo coming.
FRODO: Gandalf, where the hell are you going?
GANDLF: I m going, but I ll be back, soon. Ah, and Bilbo left you a little present on the table.
Frodo runs inside the house, looks at the table and sees the ring.
FRODO: Yesssssss!!!!!!!!!!
Frodo puts on the ring and becomes invisible. He s in the Shadow world now, but he can see almost perfectly everything.
He gets out of the house and runs down the road to Sam s house.
He enters Sam s garden and looks inside the house to see Sam and Rosie having sex.
FRODO: I should have gotten popcorn!!!
Rosie starts spanking Sam in the ass. Sam is screaming. Frodo lowers his pants and starts to masturbate.
FRODO: Oh, boy! Spank him! Spank him!
While Frodo is masturbating, the ring slips off his finger and he doesn t notice. He continues to masturbate, but now visible.
Sam and Rosie look at him, surprised. Frodo sees that Sam and Rosie are looking at him!
Frodo pulls his pants up, gets the ring and runs away.
WEEKS LATER
Frodo is at his house, sitting in the couch drinking beer with Pippin. He s telling Pip a story.
FRODO: So the guy gives me three kilos of we...
PIPPIN: Kilos? What the fuck are talking about? What are you, Miami Vice?
FRODO: We deal in kilos.
PIPPIN: That s fucking stupid.
FRODO: I know. Then, I get the weed and the guy tells me that he s going to his house to get a briefcase. He goes there, comes back with a fucking huge 38, points at my forehead and says: "You made a deal with the wrong fucking person!".
PIPPIN: Hahahahahahhaha!!
FRODO: And the guy had a german accent, so I say to him: "Hey, Nazi, put the fucking gun down cause there are two snipers aiming at your head. If you don t wanna die, you better put the gun down.".
PIPPIN: The guy bought that?
FRODO: Yeah!
PIPPIN: Haahhaahahahhaha! Man, that s stupid!
The door opens and Gandalf enters Frodo s house.
FRODO: Gandalf!
GANDALF: Peregrin, get the hell out of here, I have to talk to Frodo.
PIPPIN: All right!
Pippin leaves the house and Gandalf sits down on the couch. He looks worried.
GANDALF: You still have the ring, don t you?
FRODO: Yes, it s on my drawer.
Gandalf runs to Frodo s bedroom.
Frodo lights up and starts smoking pipe weed.
Gandalf comes back with the ring on his hand. He throws the ring in the fire, than gets the ring and puts it on the table.
GANDALF: Frodo, come here.
Frodo goes to the table and sits down, still smoking the pipe weed.
GANDALF: This is it! Look at the ring! The inscriptions! Frodo I have to tell you something.
FRODO: Ok.
Frodo is very high already.
GANDALF: One ring to rule them all, One ring to find them, One ring to bring them all and in the darkness, bind them.
FRODO: Your a poet and you don t know it! Hahahahahahahahahahaahhaha!!!
GANDALF: Stop smoking that weed.
FRODO: Ok.
GANDALF: This is Sauron s fucking ring. It was made a long time ago. This ring was being used by Sauron, The Motherfucker, in the Battle of the Last Alliance, when Isildur took it. But the son of a bitch had a weak heart, like all humans. Instead of destroying this ring, ending Sauron s power, he took it with him. Isildur died and the ring was lost for 2500 years in a river. The ring was found by Smeagol. That little sucker also was corrupted by the ring. He took it to a cave and there he started rotting for 500 fucking years. Then, Bilbo found it. Now, it s in your hands. The ring must be destroyed.
FRODO: What?
GANDALF: Sauron is seeking it. Seeking it with all his tought. He s going to find the ring. That s why Saruman wants it!
FRODO: Hum?
GANDALF: Hurry! You have to leave to Bree, now. I can t go with you, I have to talk to someone.
FRODO: Hum?
GANDALF: Wait, i can here someone.
Gandalf turns and sees Saruman spying on the window.
GANDALF: Son of a bitch!!!!!
Gandalf takes his Uzi and shoots at Saruman.
TATATATATATATATATATATTA
GANDALF: Frodo, get down!
FRODO: Hum?
TATATATTATATATATATATATA
Saruman gets his rifle and starts shooting!
POW!POW!POW!POW!POW!
Suddenly, Saruman notices that there is someone behind him.
It s SAM! Sam hits Saruman with the shovel that he s carrying!
Saruman looses his weapon and runs away.
FRODO: Sam?
Gandalf pulls Sam inside the house.
GANDALF: Aren t you the little bastard!
SAM: Well, I do my best!
GANDALF: I think I might have a job for you...
SAM: Sorry, Gandalf. I m not gay.
GANDALF: No! Not that type of job!
THE NEXT DAY
It s morning. Frodo and Sam are walking and walking and walking through plains and valleys and grass and woods.
SAM: So, what are we doing?
FRODO: I don t know. Something about a ring, a... a race car... a bee...
SAM: A bee? Don t you mean Bree?
FRODO: Yes, we must get to Bree.
SAM: Why?
FRODO: How the fuck should I now?
SAM: Well, because you re the fucking Ring Bearer!
FRODO: Let s go to Bree. Ok?
SAM: Ok.
FRODO: And Sam, I m sorry I spyed on you. That thing, you know? You and Rosie...
SAM: No problem.
FRODO: Is she good in bed?
SAM: Rosie? Naaaaa... Average. I had better sex. Boy, I would like to screw an elf. I mean, they have super speed for something, right? Man, an elf in bed has got to be a dream!
FRODO: Well... You will never meet an elf, so forget it.
SAM: Wait.
FRODO: What?
SAM: This is the most far I have been from home.
They stop walking.
FRODO: Look! A car on the background!
SAM: Where?
Sam looks behind and Frodo pulls him.
SAM: Hey!
FRODO: Let s go! We don t have time for this.
SAM: Well, I saved your life, I m coming with you with a ring that has the power to destroy Middle-Earth. You should give me a fucking break!
Frodo and Sam are walking on a huge plain, nothing around them. Suddenly, Merry and Pippin appear out of nowhere.
SAM: Merry? Pippin?
MERRY: What?
FRODO: What the hell are you doing here?
MERRY: We don t know. We had to go with you on this trip with you. It was Tolkien s original plan. But some cheeseball called Peter Jackson didn t want the original way we would meet, as seen in Tolkien s book. So, the fucker comes up with his own way of us to meet. But Folco Gamgee didn t like that way, so the bastard wrote it this way. It was fucking destiny.
FRODO: Ok. We re going to Bree.
PIPPIN: Ok. Let s go!
So, there they were. The four hobbits. Walking their way into a wild trip, where courage and honor are very important.
PIPPIN: I m hungry.
MERRY: No food.
PIPPIN: I m really hungry!
MERRY: Well, you can suck my balls if you want to.
FRODO: We ain t stopping until we get to Bree.
Gandalf travells through many roads with his horse in high speed. He, then, arrives at the Northern Hills, in a small vilage. He stops his horse in front of a dark, dirty bar, full of travellers like himself. As he enters the bar, everybody looks at him.
Gandalf is looking for someone. And he finds the person, Radagast, The Brown. He s a tall, black man with a small afro hair.
Gandalf sits down on Radagast s table.
GANDALF: Radagast!
RADAGAST: Gandalf, my man! Let me buy you a beer, you son of a whore!
GANDALF: There s no time!
RADAGAST: You look worried. What s on your mind? What is it?
GANDALF: What is it? I ll tell you what is it. It s the One fucking ring!
RADAGAST: The One ring?
GANDALF: Yep.
RADAGAST: The word on the street is that the One ring is on a hobbit s hand. A Baggins.
GANDALF: Well, the word on the street is absolutely right. His name is Frodo Baggins.
RADAGAST: Frodo Baggins. He has it?
GANDALF: Yes.
RADAGAST: So, if the ring has been found...
GANDALF: Yes again.
RADAGAST: Sauron, The Motherfucker.
GANDALF: He s searching for it. He s seeking it with all his tought.
RADAGAST: Oh no.
GANDALF: Oh yeah!
Radagast takes a deep breath.
RADAGAST: Where is this Frodo?
The four hobbits are walking at the Old Forest.
PIPPIN: I m hungry.
MERRY: Fuck you.
Back to the bar.
RADAGAST: He is alone?
GANDALF: He s with his friend. Sam.
RADAGAST: Shit. Are you out of your freaking mind?
GANDALF: Don t worry. Those tiny fuckers can take care of themselves. Now, the word on Middle-Earth is that the Nine left Minas Morgul.
RADAGAST: The Nazgul? Oh boy, they re in trouble! Some deep shit. And Saruman, The One of Many Faces, might be looking for it too.
GANDALF: He is. But I m much more worried about Sauron s forces.
RADAGAST: I understand.
GANDALF: Radagast, I need your help.
RADAGAST: Gandalf, you know you can count on me. I aint called Radagast, The Brown because I smell like shit.
GANDALF: So why are you called like that?
RADAGAST: I don t know, but that s not the freaking point! So, what can I do to help you?
THREE DAYS LATER
The four hobbits are on the road to Bree. They are walking in a line, singing.
HOBBITS:
We are hobbits and we are happy,
If you don t like us, you can kiss your own ass.
We are hobbits and we speak the truth.
If you have a problem, you can lick your own ass.
Oooh! I deeeaaiiideeeaaaiiiiieeeyyeee!
Oooh! I deeeaaiiideeeaaaiiiiieeeyyeee!
We are hobbits and we are really small,
If you got some problem, you can fuck your own ass.
We are hobbits and we are smart.
If you re in some trouble, you can torn your own ass.
If you re in some trouble, you can torn your own ass.
You can torn your freaking ass!
Hey!
FRODO:
Crawling in my skin,
This ring, it will not heal.
Fear is how it falls,
Confusing what is real.
ooooooooooooooooooh!
MERRY:
Body movin, body movin,
A One ring and the ring s so soothing
Body movin, body movin,
We be getting down and you know we re crush groovin.
PIPPIN:
Three MC s and one DJ
We be getting rings with no delay
Mix Master Mike what you got to say.
SAM:
Oh, where? Oh, where can my babe be?
The lord took her away from me.
She s to heaven so I got to be good...
FRODO: Wait! Everybody, get of the road! There s something coming!
The four hobbits hide behind a large tree on the side of the road. They hear a horse coming. A big, heavy horse. They are all scared out of their minds.
A Nazgul mounted on his horse aproaches the tree. He smells something.
Pippin farts. The Nazgul hears the sound.
Sam, on a desperate move, takes the One ring of Frodo s pocket and puts it on his finger. The four hobbits see him desapear. Sam is on the Shadow World now, he can perfectly see the Nazgul s real form.
Sam runs to the road, picks up a branch and sticks it up the horse s ass!
The horse goes wild and starts running down the road with the Nazgul trying to stop it.
Sam takes the ring of and becomes visible.
FRODO: Let s go! To Bree! Only one hour away!
The four hobbits run to Bree as the darkness falls on their road.
Gandalf and Radagast are traveling down an empty road in a huge plain, with their horses riding really fast. Suddenly, a tree jumps in the middle of the road.
Gandalf and Radagast stop their horses.
GANDALF: What the fuck is going on?
RADAGAST: What hell? That aint my bitch!
The tree actually is an ent. A female ent. Fimbrethil.
FIMBRETHIL: Hell, I aint your bitch, nigger. And you aint eating my pussy!
RADAGAST: Hell no!
FIMBRETHIL: Mithrandir! What the hell are you doing here, whitey bastard?
GANDALF: Fimbrethil, we have to pass. It s a matter of life or death.
FIMBRETHIL: I would have let you pass, if it wasn t for the Brownie there?
RADAGAST: Did that bitch just call me Brownie? I m gonna brown your ass, bitch. Gonna get medieval on your wooden ass!
FIMBRETHIL: Hell no!
RADAGAST: I aint called Radagast, The Brown because I smell like shit.
FIMBRETHIL: It s because you look like shit!
RADAGAST: Well, you aint Cameron Diaz yourself, you know?
FIMBRETHIL: I might not be Cameron freaking Diaz, but you aint Samuel L Jackson!
RADAGAST: But you would still let me eat your pussy, bitch!
FIMBRETHIL: Your pissing me of, nigger.
RADAGAST: Well, you know what? You aint a piece of cake yourself.
Radagast pulls a machine gun from his coat and shoots Fimbrethil. The ent falls on the ground, dead.
RADAGAST: As I said before, you aint my bitch!
The four hobbits are running down the road. It s a rainy night. They finally see a gate. It s Bree.
The four hobbits approach the gate and knock on it.
An old man opens the door.
OLD MAN: What is it? Four young hobbits?
FRODO: We must get in. We are here to stay at the Prancing Poney!
OLD MAN: Ok, if you must...
The four hobbits enter the village of Bree, they are running down a empty street, until they see a big sign.
SAM: There it s the Prancing Poney.
They enter the house. It s a big place, lots of people, sitting at the bar or at one of the tables.
The four friends sit on one of the tables.
FRODO: Thank Eru, we are here and we are safe.
SAM: Gandalf should be here.
MERRY: Could somebody explain to me what the hell is going on?
PIPPIN: Why did Sam disapear when he put that Ring... Jewel... Thing...
MERRY: And what about those Dark Riders?
PIPPIN: Yeah! Those were some big fucking bastards!
FRODO: Fuck yeah! I don t know who were those, but this in my pocket is the One ring.
PIPPIN: The One ring?
MERRY: The One ring?
FRODO: That s what I said. The One ring. And you, Sam, never put this ring again. You heard what Gandalf said. This ring can atract the forces of evil.
SAM: Yes, Mister Frodo.
Frodo is looking at someone sitting at another table. It s a tall man, dressed in a coat, sitting at the end of the room, looking at the four hobbits.
Frodo calls a waiter.
WAITER: What? What is your name.
FRODO: My name... Bo...
WAITER: Bo?
FRODO: Boo...
WAITER: Boo?
FRODO: Bs. Boobs.
WAITER: Yes, mister Boobs. What do you want?
FRODO: Who is that?
Frodo points at the man.
WAITER: How the fuck should I know?
FRODO: You have no idea?
WAITER: I don t know. Maybe it s Aragorn.
FRODO: Aragorn...
Sam is looking at the other end of the room, where another hobbit, also dressed in a coat, watches them.
SAM: Frodo, it appears we brought some company from the Shire.
Frodo looks at the hobbit sitting on the end of the room. They can t see his face.
MERRY: I m not liking this place.
WAITER: Do you want to order?
FRODO: We want to know if Gandalf is here.
WAITER: Gandalf? That old fag? He hasn t been here for 6 months.
The four hobbits are shocked.
FRODO: Don t worry. He ll come.
PIPPIN: Waiter, bring us another round of beer.
3 HOURS LATER
The four drunken hobbits are all over the bar. They are still drinking, burping, vomiting.
Merry and Pippin are dancing at one side of the bar. Frodo gets up on a table.
FRODO: Everybody. I think I might sing a song.
EVERYBODY: Yes! Sing! Let the Hobbit sing! Yes! A Song! Sing!
FRODO: It s called "I m a hobbit who fucks goats"
EVERYBODY: Yeah!
FRODO:
There was a little hobbit
That lived in the Shire.
Who the fuck he was?
It was my friend McGuiver.
That little bastard
Used to fuck my goats.
I payed a little visit
And fucked his nose.
But McGuiver
Was real strong and faster,
He got into my house alone,
And fuck my little bastards.
I looked up my goats
Real tiny ass.
I saw a large hole,
That was Guiver s dick, I guess.
Since it s large enough,
Maybe it would fit.
I stuck my large penis,
Up the goats fucking ass.
I m a hobbit who fucks goats,
Yeepey Kay Yay I Yo!
I m a hobbit who fucks goats,
Yeepey Kay Yay I Yo!
EVERYBODY: Yeeeeeee!
I m hobbit who fucks goats
Yeepey Kay Yay I Yo!
Frodo is ready to jump of the table when he trips on a hand that was on the table and falls.
The ring falls of his pocket. Frodo falls on the ground and tries to catch the ring.
The ring enters his finger.
He disapears. Everybody is shocked!
Frodo is in the Shadow World. He sees it. THE GREAT EYE. It s coming right at him.
THE GREAT EYE: Give me the ring, little hobbit. You wont resist because I am The Great Eye. I am Sauron, The Motherfucker. I am The Motherfucker!
Frodo takes the ring of his finger. He s back to the Normal World.
Aragorn pulls him to a small room.
Frodo is still a little dizzy. He sees the Aragorn s face.
FRODO: What is your name.
MAN: You can call me Aragorn or...
FRODO: Or?
Strider takes of his mask, to reveal that he is Saruman.
SARUMAN: Or Saruman!
FRODO: Saruman!!!!!
Frodo is in shock.
Someone else enters the room. This time it s the real Aragorn.
The real Aragorn has two 45s pistols in his hand. They are pointed to Saruman s head.
ARAGORN: Hell, I know you are fucking wizard, Saruman, The One of Many Faces, but you know what? I don t fucking care. I have two 45s here and that s all I fucking need!
Saruman turns to Aragorn.
SARUMAN: I am Saruman, head of my order, I am the most powerfull wizard alive.
ARAGORN: I still don t care.
Saruman punches both Aragorn s hands and the guns drop on the floor.
They start fighting. They are both experts in Kung-Fu.
They fight very fast. Punches, Kicks. They dodge, defend.
POW! PA! BANG! BOW!
Saruman quicky punches 10 times Aragorn s face and kicks Aragorn s leg. While Aragorn is falling, the wizard kicks him on the stomach and Aragorn flies against the wall.
Aragorn gets up and Saruman starts kicking him fast. Aragorn doges all of the kicks, holds the wizard leg. Saruman kicks Aragorn s face with the other leg.
Aragorn falls on the ground, bleeding. He rolls to the side and gets his two 45s.
Saruman sees it and jumps out of the bedroom s window before Aragorn can shoot him.
He gets up and puts his weapons back on the holder.
He looks at Frodo and the other hobbits that arrived, they are all surprised.
ARAGORN: My name is Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, Grandson of Arador, Heir of Isildur.
FRODO: Ok.
ARAGORN: I m a friend of Gandalf and I m here to help.
FRODO: Ok.
ARAGORN: C mon. We have to get out of here. The Nazgûl are coming.
PIPPIN: The what?
ARAGORN: The Nine Dark Riders.
PIPPIN: There are Nine of those things? Holy shit!
ARAGORN: C mon! Glorfindel is waiting down there.
HOURS LATER
Aragorn and Glorfindel are riding their horses. Each one carries two hobbits.
Aragorn carries Frodo and Merry and Glorfindel carries Sam and Pippin.
Aragorn and start talking while riding their horses really fast.
ARAGORN: How long until we get to Rivendell?
GLORFINDEL: At this speed? 2 days!
ARAGORN: We have to go faster, non-stop!
GLORFINDEL: I know.
SAM: Oh, my god! You are an elf?
GLORFINDEL: Yes, little hobbit.
SAM: Wow!
The two horses continued to ride at a very high speed trough the hills, plains and valleys of Middle Earth, on the road to Rivendell.
2 DAYS LATER
Gandalf and Radagast are also travelling on Rivendells direction, but on another road. They are very near the Ford that has to be crossed to get to Rivendell.
When they arrive at the Ford, they stop their horses.
GANDALF: Here, we ll wait here to Aragorn.
RADAGAST: I have a bad feeling about this. And you know what happens when a nigger has a bad feeling. Specially this nigger here!
GANDALF: There are two great warriors protecting the hobbits and the ring. I don t think we have to worry about anything.
RADAGAST: Yeah, right. Hahahahhahah! Man, you really don t know much about the Nine, do you?
Aragorn and Glorfindel are almost at the Ford when the Nine Riders start following them.
GLORFINDEL: Fuck!
Glorfindel takes a shotgun out of coat. He loads it and shoot. The Nine Riders are riding really fast and dodging the bullets.
Glorfindel keeps reloading and shooting.
SHICK, SHICK! POW!
SHICK, SHICK! POW!
SHICK, SHICK! POW!
Aragorn takes one of the 45s out of his coat and also starts shooting.
POW! POW! POW! POW!
The hobbits are screaming.
HOBBITS: Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! We re going to die!
The Nine Riders suddenly take rifles out of their coat at the same moment.
They aim and shoot with only one hand.
POOOOW! POOOOW! POOOOW! POOOOW!
One of the bullets hit Frodo in the shoulder.
FRODO: Aaaaaaaaaah! You are dying now, you sick piece of cockstain!
Frodo puts the gun on Aragorn s coat and takes out the other 45 pistol.
Frodo shoots it 15 times on the Dark Rider, that falls dead on his horse, but continues riding.
Gandalf and Radagast are at the other side of the river, waiting for the company. He sees them aproaching.
RADAGAST: See, the Nazgul are coming.
GANDALF: There is only one thing to do.
RADAGAST: I know.
The two wizards lower their heads and start speaking in elvish. They are casting a flood.
Aragorn and Glorfindel s horses are riding at high speed, they pass by the river.
When the Nine come, a flood is created by the two wizards.
The flood comes in the form of a Bus.
It hits the Nine, they all fall in the water and are taken by the rivers stream.
RADAGAST: Hell yeah! No Liv Tylers here!
----------------------------------------
"A vida é uma doença terminal"
(Clube da Insônia)
